Feeling Alone, Forlorn, Lost, Lonesome, Friendless, Deserted, Isolated, Without a Friend in the World, Abandoned, Cut off from …
Think back. Have you ever had an experience that triggered feelings described by these words? If you did, then you can relate to the emotion of loneliness that often occurs for children when a parent, or sibling accompanied by a parent, is an in-patient at the hospital for an extended period of time.
At SIBSPlace, the children talk about the feelings of being left behind. They might say they understand why someone has to go to the hospital, but that doesn’t make it better and it isn’t always the case that the child understands.
Children are usually unprepared for the separation, and if it’s a second or third hospitalization the trauma is re-triggered as they know the reality of the departure and sense of loss. Each time a doctor visit is scheduled they might experience the feelings of being on high alert; will my loved one need another procedure, another hospitalization? Who’s going to take care of me? Who’s going to help me; make my lunches? Be at home when I get home from school? Who will take me off the bus, help me with homework?
Aside from all those concerns around their own safety and well-being, they fear the loneliness of being without their parent’s presence and availability. When a young child has an ill loved one, you can often see the sad faces and hear what we call the screaming quiet. You know they are in that internal space where they are feeling isolated from the world and so filled with chaotic and confused emotions that they are unable to define with words. It is always difficult to see a child in such distress.
Rather than being powerless over events, there are actions we can take that will provide a sense of control. Helping children to prepare for the possibility of these necessary, though unwanted separations can reduce their painful ruminations and reactions. Here are some suggestions:
Tips for Parents
- Tell children every day how much you love and miss them when you are away
- Help your child find a photograph of their happy self to put in your bag and tell them that it will be for when you are at the hospital and missing them, so you can look at their photo and feel happiness
- Share an unusual fact that you know your well child would be interested in, as a special way to bond and demonstrate that your thoughts are on them
- Keep a journal of your thoughts to share with your child at the end of the day or when you return home
- When you talk on the telephone, remember to ask your child about the best and worst things that have happened to them that day, and share with them the best thing that happened to you, too
- Draw pictures, send cards, write a poem
- Talk about a program or movie that you saw
Tips for the Well Child
- Keep photographs of your family in your school bag and also next to your bed so you can look at them whenever you need to
- If mom or dad did not have time to help you find a photograph to take to the hospital with them, find a picture of your happy self to send to mom or dad and tell them it is for when they are at the hospital and missing you, so they can look at their photo and feel happiness
- Write a journal and fill it with all the things that you have been doing since they have been gone so you can share it with them when you both have time and they won’t feel they missed too much of your life
- When you talk on the telephone, remember to tell them the best and worst things that have happened to you that day, and ask them for the best thing that happened to them, too
- Draw pictures, send cards, write a poem
- Talk about a program or movie that you saw
- Discuss a book you are reading and why you like it or not. Parents want to know what is happening in your life, even if they are distracted
- Tell them who your new best friend is and ask if they met anyone interesting in the hospital
- Find jokes and tell them a joke every day. They will love laughing with you. Your giggle will lift their spirits, as their laughter will lift yours
- Write a list of all the food you miss that mom or dad makes, so when she comes home you can give it to her
- Ask mom or dad what you can do for them while they are away… they will love your thoughtfulness and recognize that you are growing up
- Just remember that we have no control over an illness that invades our family, but we can choose how we respond to its many challenges
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